I have so many musings that I want to write and I used to try to do only do a blog post if it had pictures. Chris dying really changed that, and I think a lot of my posts are now going to be just musings. But those who want to read, will read, and that is that.
So. After Chris and I separated, (well, at first I had a hard time but once that part was done) I was so excited to find ME again. I spent so much trying to help him, keep him happy, be there for him, fight with him, whatever it was, that I seriously totally lost myself. I couldn't go do things because I was always accused, or questioned, Chris was out doing his own thing but I wouldn't go do anything because I didn't want the accusations or fights. I didn't know who I was anymore, what my interests were. I didn't know who I was or what I stood for or wanted anymore. I spent years paying off his debts, cleaning up his baggage so he would be happy. I chose to, I wanted to, It would make me happy! to see him happy, but he wasn't really ever happy, and after awhile it takes it's toll when the effort of love into a marriage is not reciprocated. And I can't say LOVE, but how it was shown I suppose. I KNOW Chris loved me. It's that I was so focused on giving to him and taking care of him I stopped taking care of myself. And after the first few years there was not much support on his end to help fill my emotional bank account. Anyway. Point of story. I lost myself.
The guys at work, people around me noticed a huge change in my behavior and demeanor. They were like what are you so happy about? It wasn't that I was even happy yet, I felt liberated. I was so excited to find ME again. I found that I can be a little spitfire, that I can speak how I feel, that I CAN choose to not take people's crap. That I can choose things that make me happy! And in that, I was excited to start dating again. I loved being married, I have never regretted getting married young, I loved being a wife. I wish things had been different during marriage, but I don't regret marrying or marrying young. But since I was newly single, I was excited to date, to meet new people. I was excited for all the experiences that come with dating. I was so excited to find what my interests were and what I don't like, that is one of the good things about dating is all the neat things you will go do that you might not otherwise. And to meet all different kinds of people that there are in this world! I knew there were going to be good and bad experiences, but I was excited for them!
It has been almost two years. And I dated. (Dated to me, means going on dates, hanging out, not necessarily being exclusive or going steady.) I dated quite a few people, hung out with a lot of people. I got close with some people, others I didn't. I met some really great people, some ended our dating in a tactful way, others ended it in a total douchebag way. I ended some (I hope I was always tactful about it :) ) Others just fell away on their own with no need on either side to 'end it'. I was always up front with everyone that I dated, that I was going on dates with more than one person and I wasn't looking for anything serious right at that moment but if things worked out I wasn't opposed to being in a relationship.
Then I got to a point, where dating was more of a chore, than something fun. One more thing to try to add to my very large 'to do' list, and it was stressing me out. Especially after Chris died. I thought it would be good for me to take time for me, amongst the stress, but it didn't. With two jobs and never being home as it is and trying to find a sitter when my daughter already hadn't seen me all week... It was too much. I told the two guys I was dating at the time, that my mind just was not in the right spot to be dating and I needed to focus on my daughter and myself. And I felt SO at peace with that decision!!
And that is where I still sit. Dating was fun and can be great, but I am perfectly content. I don't need a man to make me happy (At least not right now) I need to focus on me and my little girl. She needs me more than anything right now. I am not opposed to dating completely, if I meet someone I'll see how I feel I might be okay to going on a date, but I am not going to seek it. At first it was like, I wanted to wait to go on dates to all these cool places that I've wanted to see. But I decided I am going to do it alone and I don't even care :) I'll go to a restaurant I've been wanting to try, by myself. And it will be great! I'm not going to sit back and wait for other people to help me LIVE my life. I have good friends and family that I can do things with, I don't need it to be with a man on a date. I am perfectly content with not dating. Some people have a really negative attitude about it, and sure there have been some really crappy experiences so far, but don't let it deter you. If you need to take a break, take a break from dating to recoup. I'm not taking a break because I have a negative outlook on it, I just feel super at peace with the decision to just live for me right now. :)
People come and go into your life for a reason, it could be for many different reasons and although the experience might be bad, you learn and grow from it and maybe that's what it was meant to do, even though there was pain and heartache associated with it. Anger, whatever it might be. I truly believe that people will come into my life when they are supposed to, as a friend, someone I date, or otherwise. So whether I date or not, I still think I'm going to meet the people I'm supposed to meet, when the timing is right.
:)
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