So.. I love to help people. If I can, i'll drop whatever i'm doing to help someone out, whether its moving, yardwork, whatever. I used to go to my parents every monday and just help with anything they needed. They have a HUGE yard and they are getting old. So any bit I can help, I do. I would cook them dinner and just help. Chris was always telling me that he couldn't believe that I kept giving up all my days off to go work and help other people.
Well, needless to say.. now that I have Samarah. I can't help like I used to. Anyone, not just my parents. I still try to go up and help but I just can't help or one of them has to watch Samarah so I can help and it is just not like it used to be. I wish I could still help but I just can't as much with Samarah!
I usually put everyone else first. Especially now that I am a mom I for sure take the back burner. I hardly ever need 'ME' time, or girl time. I am pretty content to just be at home with me or hubby. For some reason, I am feeling very selfish. And I feel so bad about it, like i'm not supposed to feel this way. I just was all of a sudden so sick of having to work and come home and try to cook what I know Chris would like and not just what I want (because we like different things) I wanted to cook what I wanted and not worry about anyone else. I was sick of having a never ending to do list and hardly being able to make a dent in one thing because Samarah takes up my time ( i feel rotten saying that! I love Samarah but a baby takes up time!) I was fed up of having laundry stacked up and not having time to put it away and never having a clean house because I get one part cleaned and then by the time I have time to clean another section that other one is dirty or cluttered again.
I normally don't care. But things just build up and get to you after awhile. And this is my build up apparently. I have to work and I enjoy working, i'm a better mom because I work. but working full time and being a mom is hard. Especially because me and Chris work opposite schedules. i don't get to come home from work and have Chris watch the baby so i can cook and clean. I come home and he is at work.
Today I wake up and i'm in this weird funk. Nothing happened to make me be in a funk, i just feel so off. I just want so bad to have time to clean up my house and have it stay clean not just get cluttered within a few days. I want to exercise and not feel bad about taking time away from freaking CHORES to do it.
So I decided to take some of my tax money and do something for me. I wanted a tattoo, I got a piercing in stead. I got a pedicure, i went to lunch. It helped till this morning when I woke up and was so bitter about the clutter in my house and not having time to do anything about it.
I'm feel like i'm responsible for so much and I just want a day where I don't have to feel responsible for anything else. but I can't do that cuz I have a husband and a baby who need me.
So much I want to vent about. gonna stop now. I love Samarah more than anything in life. But I am just having a moment right now. I miss a clean house and its really getting to me.
