Missing Chris

I've been missing Chris something fierce lately. It's weird how things work. Right after he died, I had to instantly switch to 'get stuff done' mode. My mindset for almost two solid months was taking care of things regarding his death. And it was a FULL time job. Don't question me on that. It was day and night, paperwork, phone calls, mailing information, running into road blocks, more calls, proof of this, proof of that, decisions, etc. It has been 6 months. Almost everything is done, a few things still come up but for the most part i've been able to get out of that mindset the last few months, and its starting to hit me more. I think its starting to hit me now because my mindset is free from the 'get stuff done' mode.

More and more things are triggering the realization. Like on my trip to Alaksa (I will fill you in on that later!) There were so many amazing things to see, and so many cute things that Samarah did, saw, experienced. I found myself thinking, 'I cant' wait to tell Chris!' or, when Samarah calls Chris tonight I can't wait for him to ask about what she did and saw. I know he is gone. But thoughts like that kept coming into my head. Or I would think, ' I can't wait to show Chris these pictures with Samarah!. And then it was like oh, I can't. I cried a few times. I was watching the beautiful mountains out the window, covered in snow. Hoping Chris was watching us, smiling over his little girl. It made me remember how much he loved the mountains. He had never seen mountains before until coming out this way. He made me appreciate the mountains more than I ever had. The mountains became just background because we see them all the time, he made me wake up in the morning and look out and be in awe of the beauty. I don't know why I struggled so much on the trip.

I was taking Samarah to therapy once a week for about two months. I want to make sure we get through this the right way, healthy. I don't know if it helped or didn't.  But after thinking, I realized that it's going to be more beneficial for me to go, because I think the healthiest way to get through this is knowing what to say to her when she asks. So I am going to start going and getting good information on how to answer her questions when she asks about daddy, or says that she misses him.

On the airplane on the way home from Alaska, she said the plane is flying way up high in the clouds like heaven! I said yep baby we are way up high in the clouds like heaven! And then she asked if we could take the plane up to see daddy. I fought the tears so I could talk normal to her. I had to explain that even though heaven is way up high in the sky, its much higher than an airplane can take us. 'Why?" It's just higher than the plane can go. 'I wish we could take the plane up to get daddy and make him back alive again'.  Its things like that, I want to know how to answer in the best way. How to help her understand the sudden loss of her dad.

I went to the dentist on Thursday, and I had to inform them that Chris would no longer be coming to the denstist. In those few months following his death, it wasn't hard to do, because I was doing it every day and something that needed to be completed. But having to bring it up now, was hard to do.

We drove down the street past his apartment the other day, I didn't even say anything I didn't think she would notice, but she instantly pointed out daddy's apartment as we drove by and asked if we could go there! Then she rememberd daddy wasn't there, but wanted to go see Cathy. I had to tell her Cathy wasn't there either.

So hard.

Missing him something fierce. I know he is free from his mind and his addictions, but adjusting to life without him here, forever, is not easy.