So once I made the decision that I was going to fly Chris home to Ohio, got on and started looking for plane tickets, booked them, then started stressing. Stressing about taking like 4 suitcases by myself, while toting around and trying to watch a 3 year old in an airport while my hands are full with luggage. I decided to stop stressing and just go and deal with it. Chris and I took Samarah on an airplane when she was 1, but she hasn't been since so this was like new to her. She was way excited though. She talked all morning about how we were going to fly on an airplane. She did FANTASTIC!!! All through the inspection and check in- she was a happy well behaved girl.
I'm so glad the lady offered to take a pic of me and her. I love it!!
Her hair is crazy but I love this picture!! Right before take off!
I was worried that she would get sick/nauseas or have her ears having that 'need to pop' sensation, we as adults know tricks to get them to pop but I was worried if it happened to her how I could help her pop her ears. She seemed to have no problems though thank goodness! She loved takeoff!!! She said 'Mom the plane is running!' It was so cute ha she looked at the planes across the runway and said it looked like the wheels (legs) were running really fast! So take off was the plane running really fast and then jumping into the sky :)
She did great, we got food in.. Chicago I think? I can't remember if that is where our layover was. She was getting pretty crabby because she had gotten up so early. We landed on time in Detroit Michigan, and his mom and dad were there to pick us up. I was excited to see them, but as soon as I saw them I started crying. Just another reminder of how real it was. They were excited to see Samarah though. I tried to make a joke about how Chris made the trip with me in my backpack, but it didn't go over well. I think because I had been dealing with it for the past few weeks, every day being on the phone having to deal with his death, seeing him at the crematory, picking up his ashes, going through belongings it was all very real to me and I thought that this is what they would want is to hold him. Granted its his ashes, but its still Chris. Well they are in a very different place and I think it was not real to them, they weren't out there, they didn't get to see him so saying he was in my backpack wasn't something they could make light of.
We drove back to Wauseon to his brother Eric and Mandi's house. We got yummy food from Hawks in Napoleon. Chris always loved their pizza burritos from there!! I loved their mac and cheese pizza. Samarah fell asleep on the car ride home, which I was glad of, she needed the sleep. But then she was a zombie when she woke up, it was actually quite hilarious. she was so out of it.
Even though it was an unpleasant reason that I was in Ohio, I didn't expect it to be the way it was. I was on a totally different page than his family and it made it hard. I thought they would want his belongings, his ashes, everything right away. But no one was ready to do that yet. I set the ashes on the table and no one wanted to open them , and then when they did, his mom broke down and it was heartbreaking and awful. It was somber and crappy. I almost wish that I had been on their level so we could have experienced it together, it made it hard where I had already gone through all those emotions. I wanted to go to Ohio to be with them, to grieve together, to talk, to be there for each other. But different pages proved to make that quite difficult.
So anyway, got out there on Sunday December 7, 2014, the memorial was not until Friday December 12, 2014 so we just hung out all week. It was not as much bonding time as I would have hoped for. Eric and Mandi had to work every day, and Linda Samarah and I were home but not much talking happened.
As a break in narrative, here is their adorable little boy!! So sad that Chris did not get to meet him!
I'm hesitant to write a few things because his family does read this. I am just going to be honest and hope that they don't hold feelings against me. I love his family with all of my heart and I want them a part of my life forever. After a few days in both his mom and brother asked me about the rest of Chris belongings. I packed everything that could fit into a suitcase, his clothes, shoes, knickknacks photo albums etc. Again, I guess I was on a different page. When I said all of his belongings could fit into a suitcase, I meant the obvious things that I could pack. His bed, dresser, all that couldn't. So when they asked, and I said that his girlfriend had taken the rest, they both said comments to me that were unpleasant. And we didn't necessarily argue but we had words. In their mind, everything Chris owned should have gone to them. And then they decide what to do with it. No one had money to pay for stuff to be shipped, they didn't fly out to Utah to help go through his stuff and decide what went where. No one had money to do anything. I have always taken care of Chris, just because I divorced him never stopped how much I cared about him or that I would have done anything for him. I would not have kept things from his family and I handled everything the best way I thought. He was also living with his girlfriend whom he had been with for over a year, they shared an apartment together, she is pregnant carrying his child, so I believe that she absolutely had a right to those things that they shared in their apartment together. Like their bed, dresser, tv and other things. If his family lived closer or had money then it probably would have made more sense to discuss some of those items. But those were THEIR belongings together, not just Chris. Neither his mom or brother had reached out to Catalina to discuss anything about the situation. It shouldn't have been solely up to Catalina to contact his family regarding Chris belongings, but those are comments that were made to me. I understand how hard it would be they had never spoken to Catalina, didn't know anything about her, but we all should be going through this together. While I can somewhat see where they are coming from, it was still difficult. His brother was really upset with me. I almost flew home early. I called Southwest and asked how much it would cost to change my flight and got flight times and started arranging rides to the airport. Because then it was just a negative awkward feeling in the house and no one was talking to each other. I contacted his dad and his dad came over and talked to me and he made me feel a lot better. He explained how hard it is, and they are angry and not seeing clearly and we're on a different page. And that they did appreciate what I did but it was just hard to think straight. I think I was so upset because aside from the memorial I pretty much single handedly handled all aspects of his death and it was so stressful. I didn't have to fly out to ohio, I didn't have to take Chris home to his family personally, I cared enough to do that. I guess to do all the death apsects, which was a full time job, and then have them criticize it was hard. Different pages, different pages. I kept telling myself not to be upset. I cried a lot while I was there, over the contention between us. I just hoped that it was not going to ruin our family. I want Samarah to know Chris family and I want to visit them in the future. I need them. Samarah needs them. I didn't want to ruin something because of all the emotions running high.
I ended up not leaving. And I am so glad, because the memorial was exactly what I needed. Eric and I had a heart to heart at the memorial. We talked about how hard it is and the misunderstanding. Ended on good terms and I'm so glad.
Chris other daughter Jayden came over and hung out for several hours one night, and it was so awesome getting to see the two of them together. She loved Samarah, said she looked like a mini dad, ha she does look like Chris. they totally have the same nose!!!!!!!! Jayden's mom and I have bonded since Chris died. Chris and I tried to be part of her life but it was hard before. Although its unfortunate, sometimes tragic events humble people and have a way of bringing them together.
PS- for anyone who has not been to Ohio, this is pretty much what it looks like, everywhere. Ha. It is so weird not seeing mountains. It is pretty in its own way though, its very green in the summer. For the most part we didn't leave the house. But a friend dropped off a car so we got to run errands one day. I wanted to buy Catalina some baby clothes from Ohio for their baby. Chris would have spoiled their baby rotten especially since its a boy (post for another day) but especially with Ohio state stuff. so I wanted to actually get stuff from Ohio. And we got a few things for the memorial, and some groceries. While at the store I actually got offered a part time job in addition to my full time, back in Utah. Instant stress figuring out how to work that in after getting home from a trip.
The night before Samarah and I left, Jayden and Jadyn wanted to go roller skating, so I said I would go with them. They were surprised but then excited! I love skating! we went to the rink and had fun!
Chris mom and dad took us to the airport the next morning and we got this awesome pic as we said goodbye!
She was tired and grumpy right off the bat for this flight. Not really grumpy, but she was tired and you could tell, she was just not listening and somewhat defiant over everything even simple things. I don't think talking down on people but I'm sorry the flight attendant was a bitch. Samarah had put her feet up against the back of the chair in front, but wasn't pushing or kicking she had them rested like on the magazines. And she walked by and said she needed to put her feet down for take off, so I asked her to, and because she was tired and said no and put her feet up again, but didn't kick. The attendant walks back and says, well I can't remember the exact wording because this was 2 months ago, but something to the effect of 'if we need to we will turn around and go back and you can be escorted off the plane until she can handle herself' Excuse me??????????? The lady sitting next to me was like, Wow that was uncalled for and rude. I was in complete shock. I realized later that there were 3 flight attendants sitting in front of us, and maybe that is why she was so.. whatever she was. She kept walking by and saying comments about Samarah. She wasn't screaming, crying, misbehaving, (minus the feet on the seat)_ kicking, trying to get out of her seat. Sure the lady in front could probably feel her feet on the back but wow. I was appalled. Samarah ended up falling asleep a few hours in which I was glad for.
I think this is the Grand Canyon that we flew over, beautiful!!
I love this picture, you can see her silhouette and the view of the mountains out the window.
This is what we flew into in Utah, beautiful welcome home.
Nothing like a sunset over the mountains.
My mom picked Samarah and I up from the airport. I tried to go straight home, we'd be traveling pretty much all day. 2 hour- ish drive to airport from Wauseon to Detroit, I think 7 hour plane time including an hour layover? I can't remember, then an hour home to Orem then 20 more minutes to Provo. I was done. ha.
Overall, I am glad I went. All the negativity and emotions were hard, but we still got to spend time with his family which is so important. I love them all and hope that we can get through this together. I want them in Samarah and I's life forever. Chris was a great guy and he has a wonderful family that I want Samarah to be a part of.
I will wait a year or two until I can save up more and then go again!
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