Halloween 2014

I am truly not a fan of Halloween. I've had some bad experiences and so anytime the holiday comes around, I could care less for it. But now that I have a kid, I need to start getting into the holiday at least for her. I work for a Police Department so I don't get to dress up at work, but I still did my hair in pigtails, which I felt really weird about lol.







So Chris and I had been talking about Halloween, and last year he took her trick or treating because he had the day off work. This year I took some time off so that I could take her, the day ended in disaster. I hate you Murphy! Damn you and your law! Anyway, I requested time off and had all these plans to spend time with her, and several child friendly events to take her to, Chris had to work, but then last minutes decided he wanted to leave work for a few hours and take her trick or treating, so we had to juggle some stuff around.



I love this picture of us! This was getting out of the car to drop her off at Daddy's house in the morning!

So I'm cheap, I'll admit it. I bought her a Minnie Mouse costume last year, and it was too big, so I just used it again. Like, the day before or something Chris had bought her an Elsa costume with lights and music in the dress, and it was big so he said she can wear it in a few years from now. But then he decided he wanted to take her trick or treating so she wore Minnie for me, then Elsa for him later.

The plan originally, was that I took several hours off, starting I think at 330 pm, I was going to go to Provo, pick up Samarah from the sitter, then drive down to Springville and do the safewalk Halloween to all the main street buisnesses. Then I was going to take her to the Provo Rec center to do this huge Halloween event. Well, because of Murphy, of course I did not get off work on time. I got stuck on a call where a deer was stuck in a fence and ended up being on that for quite awhile. Well, I still could have gone and picked up Samarah and just been late to the trick or treat, but then my babysitter had a vet appointment and had to leave and went to Orem, and by the time I would have had to drive to Orem to pick her up it would have been pointless. So I just waited until she was done, and I was really upset! I wanted so bad to make a good memory with her and I seriously was fighting tears.

My babysitter ended up taking her kids to the Rec Center and Samarah was still with her, so I just met her there. Samarah was so tired, and I was fighting emotions, and it wasn't fun and I left and went home because Chris was going to pick her up. So I changed her into her Elsa costume, fed her real quick and then Chris came and picked her up. Oh here are some other pics quick. Last minute costume idea for me was a scarecrow :)

Cute girl that was crabby by the time I got to see her :(

Love her smile, and love her dimple!

I happened to catch this picture, she is so tired I felt bad for her. This was either right before or right after Chris came to pick her up

Nanna made her own costume! pretty impressive skirt! Samarah loved it ha.

Chris took her trick or treating she got a bunch of candy! I was so sad I didn't really get to spend any time with her, I ended up taking her up to my sisters to sleep for the night because I had to work early the next day but I think she ended up having a good night, and she did get to spend time with both Chris and  I :)


Okay I had to add this picture because it is too funny, I look like a member of ICP! I told you, I was fighting back tears, and after Chris picked her up I totally had a meltdown!! My niece came upstairs and was like..' you look scary...' then I looked and had to take a pic.







I hope next year goes better :)

Samarahs first dentist appointment!

I'm excited that I'm starting to stay on top of my blog! As well as trying to catch you up on current things, I am going to bombard everyone with past things that I have pictures of that I never posted from 2014! :)


So, Samarah is 3, and after asking around I decided it was time to take her to her first dentist appointment! My dentist place where I've gone for like my WHOLE life, literally. (Same dentist and assistant too!) doesn't really do kids. So I asked a few guys at my work where they take their kids and I was referred a place in Springville called.. I think its Cascade Dental. So on November 3, away we went!


She had gone to the dentist with me, and watched me get my teeth cleaned, so she was actually really excited and saying she was going to her teeth cleaned like mommy!





They had like a playroom in the waiting area which was pretty awesome. Then the lady took us back and she was seriously so great with Samarah. She explained what each tool was and what it was going to do.

This one is either showing her the squirting water or the sucking air, I think its the water one. But it gave her such visual reference and Samarah was excited and not scared of the stuff at all!





Look at my cute girl sitting there in the big girl dentist chair!! So awesome!



When I sent Chris this picture, he said she looked scared!! I'm like no, there is a tv above her she is watching! She did amazing! To be totally honest, I teared up! I don't even know why! I was like sooooo proud of her I got all teary eyed!

She just sat there calm as can be and let them clean. And when they were done, she was so excited! She kept saying, I got my teeth cleaned like you!! And then she told people for a few days after.. I got my teeth cleaned like mommy!! Warmed my heart!!

So proud of my little girl with clean teeth :)

And if anyone needs a dentist for their kid, I would highly recommend this place, Cascade Family Dental in Springville!!

Circus!

While at the UPS store one day, I saw some tickets sitting there for the Circus! Free kids ticket with purchase of an adult ticket. I decided I was going to take Samarah to the Circus :) I looked up the dates, and picked a day to go. I was actually able to get free tickets which was way exciting too! I was rushed like always, I got off work, picked her up from the babysitter, grabbed food, and raced to UCCU events center at UVU. We got there late, and missed the tigers :(  The pictures are crappy quality, but hey you'll get the jist.


This was some guy walking in this thing while it spun around.

Samarah loved this, it was a bunch of Elsa's swinging on ropes in the air! and one Anna in that chain tube thingy on the left.

Samarah liked the motorcycles racing around in this, and it was really close to us. One guy fell off his bike and was at the bottom and my heart jumped in my throat because it looked like the other guy was going to run him over!!! omg! But he was able to stop at the bottom and help his buddy up. I am pretty sure the bike was on top of him.

For missing the tigers.. At least we got to see Elephants! It really amazing what they can train animals to do. Seriously. So... I really thought Samarah was going to enjoy the circus, I don't know if it was just because she was tired. Because she was really tired, and somewhat defiant and just not really interested. She was more content to play with the flippy seats we were sitting on.




Had to try to get some cute selfies with here :)

I love her grin!!

So during the 'half time' or whatever, they had a blow up thingy and you could ride the elephants and donkeys and some other events. I didn't take any cash with me because I didn't think there was going to be anything to spend money on. Well Samarah of course really wanted to ride the elephant, and I don't give in much, but I though the experience would be super awesome (even though its a lot of money!)  I had a credit card in my pocket, so I tried to go up to the ATM to withdraw some money and it would not let me! I tried so many times! I felt bad at that point, and she just really wanted to go in the bouncy house and was tired and having a little meltdown. Sorry kiddo :(



Either way, got some pics

This one is cute :)



At the end when we were walking out, and walked into the corrider or whatever to leave, they had all these funny hats, glowing sticks and things, lots of light up things and after we walked outside, out of nowhere Samarah started crying about her dad. She asked where her light up wand is that her dad gave her. I was stunned, I hadn't seen that light up toy in over a month and Samarah had mentioned something about Kimberly, which is her babysitters daughter. She was like panicked and wanted to know where it was and just kept saying my DAD gave it to me, where is it!  I was freaking out, panicking myself. Its funny what things are going to trigger memories, or feelings. Circus toys of all things. So I text Carol and asked if it was at her house and she looked around and found it. Whew. My heart broke for her and I just want to take away her pain. I can't bring her dad back. But I can try to keep his memory alive and support her. I want to take her again in a few years, and then we will ride the elephants and make a day of it :)

Peppermint Place.. In American Fork

So I've been trying to spend more quality time with Samarah and looking for activities I can take her to go do. I saw a billboard for the Peppermint Place and did a little research and found out they did 'tours' of the people that decorate candy. I had about 1 hour in between getting off work and having to be home for a furnace tune up.. so we ran over there quick! Its in a little strip mall right off the 500 East American Fork exit. I told her it was a surprise, and what made it even better, was that we had just read a Curious George book a few nights before about George being at a Chocolate Factory.. haha.


So inside, there is like a candy shop and lots of different fun gifts. And there is a big section of wrap around windows where you can watch people decorate candy. And I must say, that I was impressed. I didn't know people still hand decorated these mass production items. So many things are going to machines these days that its easy to assume a machine does the designs.


These ladies worked at such speed and hand decorated each and every item. The pink and blue things right in front of Samarah were like little baby shoes and they put frostings shoelaces and ruffles like socks on each one of them. And another lady was doing a rabbit on each decoration and and some baby chicks.. It was incredible actually to see them doing it. Their poor backs though ha they lean hunched over probably all day for work.


Anyway, neat little thing to go in. It doesn't take long to watch and then look around the store, but it was fun. I wanted to get a chocolate for her, like George, but the line was too long so I just let her pick out a candy cane :)

Ohio trip in general

So once I made the decision that I was going to fly Chris home to Ohio, got on and started looking for plane tickets, booked them, then started stressing. Stressing about taking like 4 suitcases by myself, while toting around and trying to watch a 3 year old in an airport while my hands are full with luggage. I decided to stop stressing and just go and deal with it. Chris and I took Samarah on an airplane when she was 1, but she hasn't been since so this was like new to her. She was way excited though. She talked all morning about how we were going to fly on an airplane. She did FANTASTIC!!! All through the inspection and check in- she was a happy well behaved girl.

I'm so glad the lady offered to take a pic of me and her. I love it!!













Her hair is crazy but I love this picture!! Right before take off!

I was worried that she would get sick/nauseas or have her ears having that 'need to pop' sensation, we as adults know tricks to get them to pop but I was worried if it happened to her how I could help her pop her ears. She seemed to have no problems though thank goodness! She loved takeoff!!! She said 'Mom the plane is running!' It was so cute ha she looked at the planes across the runway and said it looked like the wheels (legs) were running really fast! So take off was the plane running really fast and then jumping into the sky :)

She did great, we got food in.. Chicago I think? I can't remember if that is where our layover was. She was getting pretty crabby because she had gotten up so early. We landed on time in Detroit Michigan, and his mom and dad were there to pick us up. I was excited to see them, but as soon as I saw them I started crying. Just another reminder of how real it was. They were excited to see Samarah though. I tried to make a joke about how Chris made the trip with me in my backpack, but it didn't go over well. I think because I had been dealing with it for the past few weeks, every day being on the phone having to deal with his death, seeing him at the crematory, picking up his ashes, going through belongings it was all very real to me and I thought that this is what they would want is to hold him. Granted its his ashes, but its still Chris. Well they are in a very different place and I think it was not real to them, they weren't out there, they didn't get to see him so saying he was in my backpack wasn't something they could make light of.


We drove back to Wauseon to his brother Eric and Mandi's house. We got yummy food from Hawks in Napoleon. Chris always loved their pizza burritos from there!! I loved their mac and cheese pizza.  Samarah fell asleep on the car ride home, which I was glad of, she needed the sleep. But then she was a zombie when she woke up, it was actually quite hilarious. she was so out of it.


Even though it was an unpleasant reason that I was in Ohio, I didn't expect it to be the way it was. I was on a totally different page than his family and it made it hard. I thought they would want his belongings, his ashes, everything right away. But no one was ready to do that yet. I set the ashes on the table and no one wanted to open them , and then when they did, his mom broke down and it was heartbreaking and awful. It was somber and crappy. I almost wish that I had been on their level so we could have experienced it together, it made it hard where I had already gone through all those emotions. I wanted to go to Ohio to be with them, to grieve together, to talk, to be there for each other. But different pages proved to make that quite difficult.


So anyway, got out there on Sunday December 7, 2014, the memorial was not until Friday December 12, 2014 so we just hung out all week. It was not as much bonding time as I would have hoped for. Eric and Mandi had to work every day, and Linda Samarah and I were home but not much talking happened.


As a break in narrative, here is their adorable little boy!! So sad that Chris did not get to meet him!

I'm hesitant to write a few things because his family does read this. I am just going to be honest and hope that they don't hold feelings against me. I love his family with all of my heart and I want them a part of my life forever. After a few days in both his mom and brother asked me about the rest of Chris belongings. I packed everything that could fit into a suitcase, his clothes, shoes, knickknacks photo albums etc. Again, I guess I was on a different page. When I said all of his belongings could fit into a suitcase, I meant the obvious things that I could pack. His bed, dresser, all that couldn't. So when they asked, and I said that his girlfriend had taken the rest, they both said comments to me that were unpleasant. And we didn't necessarily argue but we had words. In their mind, everything Chris owned should have gone to them. And then they decide what to do with it. No one had money to pay for stuff to be shipped, they didn't fly out to Utah to help go through his stuff and decide what went where. No one had money to do anything. I have always taken care of Chris, just because I divorced him never stopped how much I cared about him or that I would have done anything for him. I would not have kept things from his family and I handled everything the best way I thought. He was also living with his girlfriend whom he had been with for over a year, they shared an apartment together, she is pregnant carrying his child, so I believe that she absolutely had a right to those things that they shared in their apartment together. Like their bed, dresser, tv and other things. If his family lived closer or had money then it probably would have made more sense to discuss some of those items. But those were THEIR belongings together, not just Chris. Neither his mom or brother had reached out to Catalina to discuss anything about the situation. It shouldn't have been solely up to Catalina to contact his family regarding Chris belongings, but those are comments that were made to me. I understand how hard it would be they had never spoken to Catalina, didn't know anything about her, but we all should be going through this together.  While I can somewhat see where they are coming from, it was still difficult. His brother was really upset with me. I almost flew home early. I called Southwest and asked how much it would cost to change my flight and got flight times and started arranging rides to the airport. Because then it was just a negative awkward feeling in the house and no one was talking to each other. I contacted his dad and his dad came over and talked to me and he made me feel a lot better. He explained how hard it is, and they are angry and not seeing clearly and we're on a different page. And that they did appreciate what I did but it was just hard to think straight. I think I was so upset because aside from the memorial I pretty much single handedly handled all aspects of his death and it was so stressful. I didn't have to fly out to ohio, I didn't have to take Chris home to his family personally, I cared enough to do that. I guess to do all the death apsects, which was a full time job, and then have them criticize it was hard. Different pages, different pages. I kept telling myself not to be upset. I cried a lot while I was there, over the contention between us. I just hoped that it was not going to ruin our family. I want Samarah to know Chris family and I want to visit them in the future. I need them. Samarah needs them. I didn't want to ruin something because of all the emotions running high.

I ended up not leaving. And I am so glad, because the memorial was exactly what I needed. Eric and I had a heart to heart at the memorial. We talked about how hard it is and the misunderstanding. Ended on good terms and I'm so glad.

Chris other daughter Jayden came over and hung out for several hours one night, and it was so awesome getting to see the two of them together. She loved Samarah, said she looked like a mini dad, ha she does look like Chris. they totally have the same nose!!!!!!!! Jayden's mom and I have bonded since Chris died. Chris and I tried to be part of her life but it was hard before. Although its unfortunate, sometimes tragic events humble people and have a way of bringing them together.

PS- for anyone who has not been to Ohio, this is pretty much what it looks like, everywhere. Ha. It is so weird not seeing mountains. It is pretty in its own way though, its very green in the summer. For the most part we didn't leave the house. But a friend dropped off a car so we got to run errands one day. I wanted to buy Catalina some baby clothes from Ohio for their baby. Chris would have spoiled their baby rotten especially since its a boy (post for another day) but especially with Ohio state stuff. so I wanted to actually get stuff from Ohio. And we got a few things for the memorial, and some groceries. While at the store I actually got offered a part time job in addition to my full time, back in Utah. Instant stress figuring out how to work that in after getting home from a trip.

The night before Samarah and I left, Jayden and Jadyn wanted to go roller skating, so I said I would go with them. They were surprised but then excited!  I love skating! we went to the rink and had fun!

Chris mom and dad took us to the airport the next morning and we got this awesome pic as we said goodbye!

She was tired and grumpy right off the bat for this flight. Not really grumpy, but she was tired and you could tell, she was just not listening and somewhat defiant over everything even simple things. I don't think talking down on people but I'm sorry the flight attendant was a bitch. Samarah had put her feet up against the back of the chair in front, but wasn't pushing or kicking she had them rested like on the magazines. And she walked by and said she needed to put her feet down for take off, so I asked her to, and because she was tired and said no and put her feet up again, but didn't kick. The attendant walks back and says, well I can't remember the exact wording because this was 2 months ago, but something to the effect of 'if we need to we will turn around and go back and you can be escorted off the plane until she can handle herself' Excuse me??????????? The lady sitting next to me was like, Wow that was uncalled for and rude. I was in complete shock. I realized later that there were 3 flight attendants sitting in front of us, and maybe that is why she was so.. whatever she was. She kept walking by and saying comments about Samarah. She wasn't screaming, crying, misbehaving, (minus the feet on the seat)_ kicking, trying to get out of her seat. Sure the lady in front could probably feel her feet on the back but wow. I was appalled. Samarah ended up falling asleep a few hours in which I was glad for.  

 

I think this is the Grand Canyon that we flew over, beautiful!!

I love this picture, you can see her silhouette and the view of the mountains out the window.

This is what we flew into in Utah, beautiful welcome home.

Nothing like a sunset over the mountains.

My mom picked Samarah and I up from the airport. I tried to go straight home, we'd be traveling pretty much all day. 2 hour- ish drive to airport from Wauseon to Detroit, I think 7 hour plane time including an hour layover? I can't remember, then an hour home to Orem then 20 more minutes to Provo. I was done. ha.

Overall, I am glad I went. All the negativity and emotions were hard, but we still got to spend time with his family which is so important. I love them all and hope that we can get through this together. I want them in Samarah and I's life forever. Chris was a great guy and he has a wonderful family that I want Samarah to be a part of.

I will wait a year or two until I can save up more and then go again!

Quality time with Samarah.. from like, months ago.

 

My intention to do blog posts is definitely there... I have many drafts with pictures that I just haven't added words to.. and published. This is one of those.. From probably like... August of 2014? I did a  compilation of pictures of things that I took Samarah to do.. 

I have struggled to spend quality time with Samarah. I always let all the 'things I have to do' get in the way, and even when I try to spend quality time with her, I have a hard time enjoying it because my brain is still occupied with thought of all the things that need to be done. I'm trying to break the habit, and it has a been much harder than I thought it would be. Slowly but surely, I'm working on it. And now, even with my list of things to do, and my stress level being higher than probably ever in my life, its more important than ever, that I leave the stuff be, and focus on her. I'm really trying.

We made a splash pad date on one of my days off.

Met a friend of mine in a beautiful area to go and feed ducks, Samarah loved it 

 

Love that smile, and crazy hair :)

 

My damn dog kept jumping in the water and scaring the ducks off!!

 

Took her to the Farmers market in Provo and got her face painted, she loves getting her face painted. and then did the splash pad after :)

 

 

Took her to this amazing area that I didn't even know about!!!!! Not that far from me. Can you say WOW on the scenery????? What an amazing little area to go enjoy. She just loved it, I heard its kind of dirty though so I didn't let her play in the shallow water much, but we walked and played in the sand and just made an afternoon of it. Look at those mountains!

 

Now that I know about it, I want to go again this summer!

Have picnics on the beach, and get some color on our white skin. PS-Samarah has like porcelain white skin. 

 Got to watch a beautiful sunset as well. What a bonus.

 

I started looking at events and things to do at the library. So I took her to like a welcoming fall event or something, I honestly cant' even remember what the purpose was but it was fun.

 

Then of course the princess tea party, which I did en entire post on.. I will definitely be taking her to any and every one in the future! maybe a tradition for her and I. Ugh, as I write that, it makes me sad and mad that Chris isn't going to be here to make memories and traditions with her. Its amazing how pretty much every day something else reminds of sucky things because of his death.

 

Took her to Jakers pumpkin patch in Springville. Such an amazing way to have fun for free! Thank you Harward Farms for dong this every year what a great community event. They have tractor/wagon rides, a corn pit, slides, a little haunted trailers, animals to look at, a petting zoo. Working the late shift always, makes me so limited on things that I can do with her because I usually get off when its dark and its bedtime. and then on my days off, its usually always so packed that its not fun. So I took some time off one day and left early so that I could take her and enjoy time.. I took her several times in October.

Her  coming out of the slide. In a dress... yeah that was a mistake on my part. Her poor legs :( 

On the wagon ride.. 

 

Precious little girl.

 

Then we bought a pumpkin from Jakers... and I kept telling her we would paint it but it was always inconvenient timing, and she kept asking and I finally said okay we can. I should have just let her sooner, like I said, I'm working on it. But she loved it.

 

Its going to be difficult with Chris not here. On the weekends he would keep her (He had her every day too, and every other weekend) I would get all these things done, and then try to spend time with her on my weekends. Its going to be hard to do things because I'm trying to do all of that with no time in between to catch up even on basic house chores. But I'm going to try my damndest.

I love you Samarah. Mommy is trying.