I decided I'm perfectly content not dating

I have so many musings that I want to write and I used to try to do only do a blog post if it had pictures. Chris dying really changed that, and I think a lot of my posts are now going to be just musings. But those who want to read, will read, and that is that.

So. After Chris and I separated, (well, at first I had a hard time but once that part was done) I was so excited to find ME again. I spent so much trying to help him, keep him happy, be there for him, fight with him, whatever it was, that I seriously totally lost myself. I couldn't go do things because I was always accused, or questioned, Chris was out doing his own thing but I wouldn't go do anything because I didn't want the accusations or fights. I didn't know who I was anymore, what my interests were. I didn't know who I was or what I stood for or wanted anymore. I spent years paying off his debts, cleaning up his baggage so he would be happy. I chose to, I wanted to, It would make me happy! to see him happy, but he wasn't really ever happy, and after awhile it takes it's toll when the effort of love into a marriage is not reciprocated. And I can't say LOVE, but how it was shown I suppose. I KNOW Chris loved me. It's that I was so focused on giving to him and taking care of him I stopped taking care of myself. And after the first few years there was not much support on his end to help fill my emotional bank account. Anyway. Point of story. I lost myself.

The guys at work, people around me noticed a huge change in my behavior and demeanor. They were like what are you so happy about? It wasn't that I was even happy yet, I felt liberated. I was so excited to find ME again. I found that I can be a little spitfire, that I can speak how I feel, that I CAN choose to not take people's crap. That I can choose things that make me happy! And in that, I was excited to start dating again. I loved being married, I have never regretted getting married young, I loved being a wife. I wish things had been different during marriage, but I don't regret marrying or marrying young. But since I was newly single, I was excited to date, to meet new people. I was excited for all the experiences that come with dating. I was so excited to find what my interests were and what I don't like, that is one of the good things about dating is all the neat things you will go do that you might not otherwise. And to meet all different kinds of people that there are in this world! I knew there were going to be good and bad experiences, but I was excited for them!

It has been almost two years. And I dated. (Dated to me, means going on dates, hanging out, not necessarily being exclusive or going steady.) I dated quite a few people, hung out with a lot of people. I got close with some people, others I didn't. I met some really great people, some ended our dating in a tactful way, others ended it in a total douchebag way. I ended some (I hope I was always tactful about it :) ) Others just fell away on their own with no need on either side to 'end it'.  I was always up front with everyone that I dated, that I was going on dates with more than one person and I wasn't looking for anything serious right at that moment but if things worked out I wasn't opposed to being in a relationship.

Then I got to a point, where dating was more of a chore, than something fun. One more thing to try to add to my very large 'to do' list, and it was stressing me out. Especially after Chris died. I thought it would be good for me to take time for me, amongst the stress, but it didn't. With two jobs and never being home as it is and trying to find a sitter when my daughter already hadn't seen me all week... It was too much. I told the two guys I was dating at the time, that my mind just was not in the right spot to be dating and I needed to focus on my daughter and myself. And I felt SO at peace with that decision!!

And that is where I still sit. Dating was fun and can be great, but I am perfectly content. I don't need a man to make me happy (At least not right now) I need to focus on me and my little girl. She needs me more than anything right now. I am not opposed to dating completely, if I meet someone I'll see how I feel I might be okay to going on a date, but I am not going to seek it. At first it was like, I wanted to wait to go on dates to all these cool places that I've wanted to see. But I decided I am going to do it alone and I don't even care :) I'll go to a restaurant I've been wanting to try, by myself. And it will be great! I'm not going to sit back and wait for other people to help me LIVE my life. I have good friends and family that I can do things with, I don't need it to be with a man on a date. I am perfectly content with not dating. Some people have a really negative attitude about it, and sure there have been some really crappy experiences so far, but don't let it deter you. If you need to take a break, take a break from dating to recoup. I'm not taking a break because I have a negative outlook on it, I just feel super at peace with the decision to just live for me right now. :)

People come and go into your life for a reason, it could be for many different reasons and although the experience might be bad, you learn and grow from it and maybe that's what it was meant to do, even though there was pain and heartache associated with it. Anger, whatever it might be. I truly believe that people will come into my life when they are supposed to, as a friend, someone I date, or otherwise. So whether I date or not, I still think I'm going to meet the people I'm supposed to meet, when the timing is right.


:)

Fishing. Chris&Samarah..

One more thing that hurts my heart, but I'm trying to flip it and turn it into something good. Although Chris didn't do much fishing here in Utah, anytime we went home to visit his family in Ohio, he loved to go out to the cottage, and fish on the deck at the buttcrack of dawn. He has many stories about fishing out on the Maumee River, and he couldn't wait to go do it with his dad. Point being, Chris would have taught Samarah how to fish. Whether it would have been here, or whether it would have been when he took her out to Ohio, he would have done it.

I don't fish. I have gone a handful of times in my life but I find it quite boring. No one in my family fishes, so its just not something that interests me. But..

Today, I went to DWR and bought a fishing license. Not only that but a combination hunting license (I'll get to that later). Today, I made the decision to incorporate another part of Chris into our lives, since he is not here to do himself. Today, I made the decision to take charge of my life. Today I made the decision to be a better mother. Today, I am taking a chance on something new, to try to do what Chris would do.

I cried when I was telling the DWR lady that is why I want to get a fishing license. I WILL do the best I can. This is emotional for me, in a good and a not so good way. I feel so good that I made the decision to do this. I just hope that I can keep his memory alive for her, and sit and talk about dad and get stories from family that I can tell her. Maybe little tricks he used to do or funny things he would say.  

This fishing license is for me and Samarah, but its really for you Chris, and our little girl.

Missing Chris

I've been missing Chris something fierce lately. It's weird how things work. Right after he died, I had to instantly switch to 'get stuff done' mode. My mindset for almost two solid months was taking care of things regarding his death. And it was a FULL time job. Don't question me on that. It was day and night, paperwork, phone calls, mailing information, running into road blocks, more calls, proof of this, proof of that, decisions, etc. It has been 6 months. Almost everything is done, a few things still come up but for the most part i've been able to get out of that mindset the last few months, and its starting to hit me more. I think its starting to hit me now because my mindset is free from the 'get stuff done' mode.

More and more things are triggering the realization. Like on my trip to Alaksa (I will fill you in on that later!) There were so many amazing things to see, and so many cute things that Samarah did, saw, experienced. I found myself thinking, 'I cant' wait to tell Chris!' or, when Samarah calls Chris tonight I can't wait for him to ask about what she did and saw. I know he is gone. But thoughts like that kept coming into my head. Or I would think, ' I can't wait to show Chris these pictures with Samarah!. And then it was like oh, I can't. I cried a few times. I was watching the beautiful mountains out the window, covered in snow. Hoping Chris was watching us, smiling over his little girl. It made me remember how much he loved the mountains. He had never seen mountains before until coming out this way. He made me appreciate the mountains more than I ever had. The mountains became just background because we see them all the time, he made me wake up in the morning and look out and be in awe of the beauty. I don't know why I struggled so much on the trip.

I was taking Samarah to therapy once a week for about two months. I want to make sure we get through this the right way, healthy. I don't know if it helped or didn't.  But after thinking, I realized that it's going to be more beneficial for me to go, because I think the healthiest way to get through this is knowing what to say to her when she asks. So I am going to start going and getting good information on how to answer her questions when she asks about daddy, or says that she misses him.

On the airplane on the way home from Alaska, she said the plane is flying way up high in the clouds like heaven! I said yep baby we are way up high in the clouds like heaven! And then she asked if we could take the plane up to see daddy. I fought the tears so I could talk normal to her. I had to explain that even though heaven is way up high in the sky, its much higher than an airplane can take us. 'Why?" It's just higher than the plane can go. 'I wish we could take the plane up to get daddy and make him back alive again'.  Its things like that, I want to know how to answer in the best way. How to help her understand the sudden loss of her dad.

I went to the dentist on Thursday, and I had to inform them that Chris would no longer be coming to the denstist. In those few months following his death, it wasn't hard to do, because I was doing it every day and something that needed to be completed. But having to bring it up now, was hard to do.

We drove down the street past his apartment the other day, I didn't even say anything I didn't think she would notice, but she instantly pointed out daddy's apartment as we drove by and asked if we could go there! Then she rememberd daddy wasn't there, but wanted to go see Cathy. I had to tell her Cathy wasn't there either.

So hard.

Missing him something fierce. I know he is free from his mind and his addictions, but adjusting to life without him here, forever, is not easy.