Easter!

Alright shall we move onto something positive with pictures for a bit?! Great! I just have so many emotions and want to share in case anyone runs across this blog that is going to gain some understanding or knowledge from what I've written and experienced, maybe some help with what they are going through. But I think we'll take a break. :)


So I passed a billboard this year that was advertising eggstravaganza or something at Young Living Farms in Mona, Utah. I saw the sign, and decided I was going.


Easter was not a big holiday in my family so I don't really think to celebrate it much. I am always working on the kids events but this year I decided to take the day off (okay half a day) so I could take her to go play.


My niece watched her in the morning and got her ready to go. I love this picture of her with Casey!

I heart this one too haha

Waiting in a VERY long line and playing in the dirt.

So we headed down to the event and it was awesome! Minimal charge to get in, and once you were in the majority of activities were free! Which was fantastic! Usually you have to pay to get in then still pay for everything else.

So she did the little kids easter egg hunt.. uh... way to easy for her smart little brain but still fun :)

She played in a bounce house (free) we waited waayy too long in line to get her face painted. But that's ok.

Its funny, all these things I learned from Chris. I am a penny pincher and hate spending money on things (unless its 'practical' in my mind, like tools for a project, or a house project or whatever). Chris would always tell me when we die we can't take the money with us, so spend it and live life and have fun. I really had a hard time grasping that concept because I have been taught to save, and its proven itself time and time again by having money in the bank,  I had a hard time letting go enough to spend a little to have fun.

Well, I am starting to understand the concept now. I am the type of person that would go to an event, but not spend a dime at the event. for example, the fair. I would pay to get it, but would not buy food, or pay to go on rides, or anything.

So, I'M TRYING. I tried to think like Chris, and what he would do if he were the one taking her. I took $20 in addition to what it cost to get in, and decided that it would be spent on whatever. It was hard to do at first, and $20 might not seem like much to you but I'm on a tight budget so it is a lot.. but you know what?? It was okay! and it was fun! we bought overpriced hot dogs and lavender lemonade and cookies, and we had fun!!

We pretty much spent the whole day there! She got to ride mini ponies...

                                          She got to meet the easter bunny

We looked at animals, and played at the park, and just enjoyed the day.

If the people that read this have followed my blog, then you'll know when I talk about how much I struggle with certain things regarding being a mother! I am trying to beat them and make every minute count, its a work in progress but this was probably one of the best starts I have had and its just gotten better.

Whenever actual easter was in relation to this ( cant remember if it was the next day or not?), we woke up Sunday morning, and a guy I was dating at the time, showed up with all these bags of gifts for Samarah. To be totally honest, I didn't even think about doing anything, its just not something that comes naturally to me! ( besides decorating eggs) So he had gotten a cute lil bucket, and the fake grass, and eggs and some dollar toys, bubbles, sidewalk chalk, a kite, etc,. So we put them around the front yard before she woke up and she got to wake up and find them. Next year I will be better :)

Overall it was a good time and I look forward to planning something next year!!

Love her smile!!

I decided I'm perfectly content not dating

I have so many musings that I want to write and I used to try to do only do a blog post if it had pictures. Chris dying really changed that, and I think a lot of my posts are now going to be just musings. But those who want to read, will read, and that is that.

So. After Chris and I separated, (well, at first I had a hard time but once that part was done) I was so excited to find ME again. I spent so much trying to help him, keep him happy, be there for him, fight with him, whatever it was, that I seriously totally lost myself. I couldn't go do things because I was always accused, or questioned, Chris was out doing his own thing but I wouldn't go do anything because I didn't want the accusations or fights. I didn't know who I was anymore, what my interests were. I didn't know who I was or what I stood for or wanted anymore. I spent years paying off his debts, cleaning up his baggage so he would be happy. I chose to, I wanted to, It would make me happy! to see him happy, but he wasn't really ever happy, and after awhile it takes it's toll when the effort of love into a marriage is not reciprocated. And I can't say LOVE, but how it was shown I suppose. I KNOW Chris loved me. It's that I was so focused on giving to him and taking care of him I stopped taking care of myself. And after the first few years there was not much support on his end to help fill my emotional bank account. Anyway. Point of story. I lost myself.

The guys at work, people around me noticed a huge change in my behavior and demeanor. They were like what are you so happy about? It wasn't that I was even happy yet, I felt liberated. I was so excited to find ME again. I found that I can be a little spitfire, that I can speak how I feel, that I CAN choose to not take people's crap. That I can choose things that make me happy! And in that, I was excited to start dating again. I loved being married, I have never regretted getting married young, I loved being a wife. I wish things had been different during marriage, but I don't regret marrying or marrying young. But since I was newly single, I was excited to date, to meet new people. I was excited for all the experiences that come with dating. I was so excited to find what my interests were and what I don't like, that is one of the good things about dating is all the neat things you will go do that you might not otherwise. And to meet all different kinds of people that there are in this world! I knew there were going to be good and bad experiences, but I was excited for them!

It has been almost two years. And I dated. (Dated to me, means going on dates, hanging out, not necessarily being exclusive or going steady.) I dated quite a few people, hung out with a lot of people. I got close with some people, others I didn't. I met some really great people, some ended our dating in a tactful way, others ended it in a total douchebag way. I ended some (I hope I was always tactful about it :) ) Others just fell away on their own with no need on either side to 'end it'.  I was always up front with everyone that I dated, that I was going on dates with more than one person and I wasn't looking for anything serious right at that moment but if things worked out I wasn't opposed to being in a relationship.

Then I got to a point, where dating was more of a chore, than something fun. One more thing to try to add to my very large 'to do' list, and it was stressing me out. Especially after Chris died. I thought it would be good for me to take time for me, amongst the stress, but it didn't. With two jobs and never being home as it is and trying to find a sitter when my daughter already hadn't seen me all week... It was too much. I told the two guys I was dating at the time, that my mind just was not in the right spot to be dating and I needed to focus on my daughter and myself. And I felt SO at peace with that decision!!

And that is where I still sit. Dating was fun and can be great, but I am perfectly content. I don't need a man to make me happy (At least not right now) I need to focus on me and my little girl. She needs me more than anything right now. I am not opposed to dating completely, if I meet someone I'll see how I feel I might be okay to going on a date, but I am not going to seek it. At first it was like, I wanted to wait to go on dates to all these cool places that I've wanted to see. But I decided I am going to do it alone and I don't even care :) I'll go to a restaurant I've been wanting to try, by myself. And it will be great! I'm not going to sit back and wait for other people to help me LIVE my life. I have good friends and family that I can do things with, I don't need it to be with a man on a date. I am perfectly content with not dating. Some people have a really negative attitude about it, and sure there have been some really crappy experiences so far, but don't let it deter you. If you need to take a break, take a break from dating to recoup. I'm not taking a break because I have a negative outlook on it, I just feel super at peace with the decision to just live for me right now. :)

People come and go into your life for a reason, it could be for many different reasons and although the experience might be bad, you learn and grow from it and maybe that's what it was meant to do, even though there was pain and heartache associated with it. Anger, whatever it might be. I truly believe that people will come into my life when they are supposed to, as a friend, someone I date, or otherwise. So whether I date or not, I still think I'm going to meet the people I'm supposed to meet, when the timing is right.


:)

Fishing. Chris&Samarah..

One more thing that hurts my heart, but I'm trying to flip it and turn it into something good. Although Chris didn't do much fishing here in Utah, anytime we went home to visit his family in Ohio, he loved to go out to the cottage, and fish on the deck at the buttcrack of dawn. He has many stories about fishing out on the Maumee River, and he couldn't wait to go do it with his dad. Point being, Chris would have taught Samarah how to fish. Whether it would have been here, or whether it would have been when he took her out to Ohio, he would have done it.

I don't fish. I have gone a handful of times in my life but I find it quite boring. No one in my family fishes, so its just not something that interests me. But..

Today, I went to DWR and bought a fishing license. Not only that but a combination hunting license (I'll get to that later). Today, I made the decision to incorporate another part of Chris into our lives, since he is not here to do himself. Today, I made the decision to take charge of my life. Today I made the decision to be a better mother. Today, I am taking a chance on something new, to try to do what Chris would do.

I cried when I was telling the DWR lady that is why I want to get a fishing license. I WILL do the best I can. This is emotional for me, in a good and a not so good way. I feel so good that I made the decision to do this. I just hope that I can keep his memory alive for her, and sit and talk about dad and get stories from family that I can tell her. Maybe little tricks he used to do or funny things he would say.  

This fishing license is for me and Samarah, but its really for you Chris, and our little girl.

Missing Chris

I've been missing Chris something fierce lately. It's weird how things work. Right after he died, I had to instantly switch to 'get stuff done' mode. My mindset for almost two solid months was taking care of things regarding his death. And it was a FULL time job. Don't question me on that. It was day and night, paperwork, phone calls, mailing information, running into road blocks, more calls, proof of this, proof of that, decisions, etc. It has been 6 months. Almost everything is done, a few things still come up but for the most part i've been able to get out of that mindset the last few months, and its starting to hit me more. I think its starting to hit me now because my mindset is free from the 'get stuff done' mode.

More and more things are triggering the realization. Like on my trip to Alaksa (I will fill you in on that later!) There were so many amazing things to see, and so many cute things that Samarah did, saw, experienced. I found myself thinking, 'I cant' wait to tell Chris!' or, when Samarah calls Chris tonight I can't wait for him to ask about what she did and saw. I know he is gone. But thoughts like that kept coming into my head. Or I would think, ' I can't wait to show Chris these pictures with Samarah!. And then it was like oh, I can't. I cried a few times. I was watching the beautiful mountains out the window, covered in snow. Hoping Chris was watching us, smiling over his little girl. It made me remember how much he loved the mountains. He had never seen mountains before until coming out this way. He made me appreciate the mountains more than I ever had. The mountains became just background because we see them all the time, he made me wake up in the morning and look out and be in awe of the beauty. I don't know why I struggled so much on the trip.

I was taking Samarah to therapy once a week for about two months. I want to make sure we get through this the right way, healthy. I don't know if it helped or didn't.  But after thinking, I realized that it's going to be more beneficial for me to go, because I think the healthiest way to get through this is knowing what to say to her when she asks. So I am going to start going and getting good information on how to answer her questions when she asks about daddy, or says that she misses him.

On the airplane on the way home from Alaska, she said the plane is flying way up high in the clouds like heaven! I said yep baby we are way up high in the clouds like heaven! And then she asked if we could take the plane up to see daddy. I fought the tears so I could talk normal to her. I had to explain that even though heaven is way up high in the sky, its much higher than an airplane can take us. 'Why?" It's just higher than the plane can go. 'I wish we could take the plane up to get daddy and make him back alive again'.  Its things like that, I want to know how to answer in the best way. How to help her understand the sudden loss of her dad.

I went to the dentist on Thursday, and I had to inform them that Chris would no longer be coming to the denstist. In those few months following his death, it wasn't hard to do, because I was doing it every day and something that needed to be completed. But having to bring it up now, was hard to do.

We drove down the street past his apartment the other day, I didn't even say anything I didn't think she would notice, but she instantly pointed out daddy's apartment as we drove by and asked if we could go there! Then she rememberd daddy wasn't there, but wanted to go see Cathy. I had to tell her Cathy wasn't there either.

So hard.

Missing him something fierce. I know he is free from his mind and his addictions, but adjusting to life without him here, forever, is not easy.

Kitchenette done!

Woohoo! I already feel less stressed since its done! One less thing to worry about!

It took longer than expected! But its done! And it looks great! I seriously cannot believe that we were able to make it work in such a small space, i mean seriously, its like a 12x8 room or something like that.

Here is the before!!!

So what we had to do was that white patch on the wall is where the plumbing was (this is the north wall) and the washer and dryer both sat there (to give you a visual) you can see the shelves overhead to the right.

On the left hand side in the part of the photo that you can't see, there were more overhead shelves then like a shelf thing that was hip high that wrapped around the wall. We took the plumbing from the middle of the north wall, and took it to the left under the window where the sink is going to go, and then to the right which is where the washer sits. The dryer vent was in the corner by the window, Are you ready??? Dun dun dun...

TA DA!!!!!! Can you believe it? It looks amazing! I seriously cannot believe we were able to make it work! And things that were not a coincidence happened, several times throughout this process. I had money set aside for this, but I didn't even realize that just to buy appliances, a stove, a fridge, a microwave, and a sink.. would be like $1,500 bucks! That was half of what I had set aside for the whole thing! Not to mention cabinets and labor. I don't mind buying used at all and had planned on buying used, but we needed compact size stove which I could not find any used, and online they were just as much a full size stove! I could not find a fridge either that was the right size (not full, and not mini fridge) So that dashed my hopes of being able to complete the kitchenette. And I would have to have mismatched cabinets that I can get for cheap or whatever. Not a big deal, it will still be a functioning kitchenette, i was still a little disappointed though. If we were going to all this work, I really wanted it to be nice.

But while browsing KSL one day looking for small base cabinets, I ran across an entire kitchen that someone was selling.. I mean the whole kitchen, not just cabinets. It came with the stove, which was the EXACT size I needed because it was an apartment kitchenette. It came with the sink and faucet. It came with upper and lower cabinets!! And it was only $400! You just had to come do the work yourself to rip it out. So my contractor and my dad went up there to start ripping out (which is a lot of work) but when they got up there, the home owners had already ripped it out and all my dad and contractor had to do was load it up. WOW! The sink alone, even used was going to be like $150, plus the stove/oven which was going to be like $500, and whatever the cost of cabinets. I easily would have spent probably $1,200 bucks on everything that I got for $400. That gave me enough money to buy everything else I needed for this, almost down to the penny! It even came with a microwave cabinet, I was actually going to buy a rack that went over the stove to put a microwave on and that was like $100 bucks too. It just wasn't coincidence. 

As you can see, its just cement floor, tiling can come later haha I am NOT even going to worry about that right now. Its pretty small space! But it works! so the fridge is there on the right, and the washer is just to the north of that.

It works!

Moving the dryer stuff was interesting. I had to have an electrician come and do subpanel for the electricity, and then run wiring for the dryer which was like $400 bucks for the electric work. We ended up cutting a hole in the ceiling (from the spot over by the window in the 'before' picture, running the wires through the laundry room ceiling into the storage room, then he had to cut a hole in the CEMENT foundation of my house for the new dryer vent location. Cutting through the cement took like 2+ hours in itself! So the dryer is kind of off away, but we made it work!  

I ended up making the decision not to move, so my niece and her boyfriend lucked out now they just get the kitchen to use even though I am not going anywhere :)

But I am so thankful for my dad and contractor and help from a few others who made this possible! I am so glad its done!

I lost a LOT of storage room space so I'm still really trying to adjust and figure out where to put all my food storage and other things that were stored in there without bombarding my shed into a huge mess, I want to sort and label stuff and put it away right the first time and not just throw it in my shed. I am trying to get more organized in life, but i've got a long road ahead of me, baby steps.

Anyway, all done! yay!

New windows and such

Ok after a very deep post- lets move on to something else for awhile. There will be more posts like that to come so posting other stuff in between is important!

Chris and I bought our house at the end of 2009.. and it sure seems like we sunk a lot of money into it! Not in doing renovations or cosmetic stuff really, kind of necessary things. $4,000 for a new furnace (old one wasn't functioning well) $1,000 to fix the brand new furnace 3 years later, $2,000 for a new swamp cooler (old one didn't work) $1,000 on new gutter (ice built up and the gutter fell off the house) stuff like that. We did redo our bathroom, but part of that was because the floor was starting to bubble up.  $2,000 for a new driveway., Chris built us an awesome shed. The whole time we've lived there, I've wanted new windows! All that other stuff we did was way more important, but its been driving me nuts! I'm kind of a tree hugger. I'm super conscious about the amount of water used, energy, I combine all my trips to save gas, etc, and the windows in the house were crappy and I couldn't stand the energy wasted by having crappy windows!

The windows that are in my house, half of them are the new vinyl windows, the other half were the old aluminum ones. Where the aluminum ones were, it was always cold!! And the newer vinyl ones were installed super crappy and there was always a huge gap at the top of the windows, so I had to put something in there to prop up the window and to close the gap all the time. And the screens were all ripped.

I finally decided I was getting new windows! I used my tax return this year to get new windows, I got the Low E, Argon filled windows. I was so freaking excited to get them installed but I ran into so many problems! Who would have thought it would be so complicated? Because I ordered the windows through a company with someone who got me a huge discount, then I was going to have someone install them for I think $75 a window, he wouldn't get back to me. then I called Jones and they said they wouldn't guarantee their labor because I didn't buy the windows through them, and it would be $105 per window to install. and I'd have to pay to have them come look at the windows, as well as pay for a paint test or something. I was seriously in tears ha I wanted my windows so bad, why does it have to be so complicated??

A guy at work convinced me to ask another guy at work to install them for me, he had worked at Jones for like 12 years installing windows before he was a cop.. So I finally got up the courage to ask him, and he got a few guys from work together to come install my windows. I was so happy I wanted to burst. I don't know why this was such a big deal to me, but it was. 

I had to work, and when I got home, my windows were ripped out and they were hard at work! I am incredibly grateful that these 4 men took time out of their busy lives to help me, to help me keep the cost low and help me accomplish this task. 

I tried to help but there wasn't much for me to do, so I just followed them around cleaning up their mess :) I bought them all pizza and I guess that was good enough for them! There is some trim work and caulking that still needs to be done on the outside but the windows look great! and I am just so excited, they all close so good, there are no gaps, I am excited to see the difference it makes when it gets cold again. 

Thank you everyone for your help on this!

I don't have any AFTER pictures yet of them in all nice and pretty, but i'll update soon!

I also decided I was going to get a sprinkling system installed. I usually just hand water my lawn, but you have to be home for that and its pretty time consuming watching the clock making sure you're monitoring the time right, moving the hose/sprinkler head every 25 minutes for the whole front and back yard. With working two jobs, and sleeping out of a suitcase half the week at other people's houses who help me with Samarah..  I will not be home and not have time to hand water my lawn, and my yard is very important to me. So even though it cost $3,000 (thank you, TAXES) I decided to go with it. The burden and weight off my shoulders and peace of mind from having a functioning automatic sprinkling system will be worth the money spent. I love having a nice yard. I take pride in it, and its like therapy to me. So that got installed a week or two later after my windows. And its amazing! I have peace of mind already just thinking about it!

It was kind of hard seeing my yard all tore up! But they put it back together great! I just need a little grass seed to fill in dirt where the trenches were!

AAANNNNDDDDD, I decided to install a kitchenette in my basement laundry room with the remainder of my tax return. I have people that rent from me, and they are family and we just share the kitchen upstairs and its no big deal. But I have been seriously contemplating moving for awhile, and that way I could rent out the top and the bottom. So that got started the same days as my sprinklers. I already have enough going on, I have too many projects at the same time. It's freaking stressful and I'm in way over my head, and its taking longer than planned, but oh well, we'll get through it and it will be amazing when its done. 

Here are a few befores... I will have afters for all of these projects in another post later down the road..

I took some time off work to help with the kitchenette to help keep the cost low, and my dad has also come down to help the contractor and put in a significant amount of time to reduce my labor costs. I can tell you that it has made me appreciate how much a house costs. What seems like such a simple task, moving plumbing from the middle of the turquoise wall, to run a line around and underneath where the sheetrock was ripped out, seemed so simple. HA. Wow. There is so much work involved and it took a good 9 hours or more just for that. And running the dryer vent/electricity to the storage room, that was so much work. I am so grateful for good family and friends willing to help me. 

So that is still in the process and I will keep everyone updated!

:)

Halloween 2014

I am truly not a fan of Halloween. I've had some bad experiences and so anytime the holiday comes around, I could care less for it. But now that I have a kid, I need to start getting into the holiday at least for her. I work for a Police Department so I don't get to dress up at work, but I still did my hair in pigtails, which I felt really weird about lol.







So Chris and I had been talking about Halloween, and last year he took her trick or treating because he had the day off work. This year I took some time off so that I could take her, the day ended in disaster. I hate you Murphy! Damn you and your law! Anyway, I requested time off and had all these plans to spend time with her, and several child friendly events to take her to, Chris had to work, but then last minutes decided he wanted to leave work for a few hours and take her trick or treating, so we had to juggle some stuff around.



I love this picture of us! This was getting out of the car to drop her off at Daddy's house in the morning!

So I'm cheap, I'll admit it. I bought her a Minnie Mouse costume last year, and it was too big, so I just used it again. Like, the day before or something Chris had bought her an Elsa costume with lights and music in the dress, and it was big so he said she can wear it in a few years from now. But then he decided he wanted to take her trick or treating so she wore Minnie for me, then Elsa for him later.

The plan originally, was that I took several hours off, starting I think at 330 pm, I was going to go to Provo, pick up Samarah from the sitter, then drive down to Springville and do the safewalk Halloween to all the main street buisnesses. Then I was going to take her to the Provo Rec center to do this huge Halloween event. Well, because of Murphy, of course I did not get off work on time. I got stuck on a call where a deer was stuck in a fence and ended up being on that for quite awhile. Well, I still could have gone and picked up Samarah and just been late to the trick or treat, but then my babysitter had a vet appointment and had to leave and went to Orem, and by the time I would have had to drive to Orem to pick her up it would have been pointless. So I just waited until she was done, and I was really upset! I wanted so bad to make a good memory with her and I seriously was fighting tears.

My babysitter ended up taking her kids to the Rec Center and Samarah was still with her, so I just met her there. Samarah was so tired, and I was fighting emotions, and it wasn't fun and I left and went home because Chris was going to pick her up. So I changed her into her Elsa costume, fed her real quick and then Chris came and picked her up. Oh here are some other pics quick. Last minute costume idea for me was a scarecrow :)

Cute girl that was crabby by the time I got to see her :(

Love her smile, and love her dimple!

I happened to catch this picture, she is so tired I felt bad for her. This was either right before or right after Chris came to pick her up

Nanna made her own costume! pretty impressive skirt! Samarah loved it ha.

Chris took her trick or treating she got a bunch of candy! I was so sad I didn't really get to spend any time with her, I ended up taking her up to my sisters to sleep for the night because I had to work early the next day but I think she ended up having a good night, and she did get to spend time with both Chris and  I :)


Okay I had to add this picture because it is too funny, I look like a member of ICP! I told you, I was fighting back tears, and after Chris picked her up I totally had a meltdown!! My niece came upstairs and was like..' you look scary...' then I looked and had to take a pic.







I hope next year goes better :)